Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.
At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. Goldilocks was hungry. The porridge looked so good. She knew that there was probably someone waiting to eat this porridge but it looked so good. So, ignoring her thoughts, she tasted the porridge from the first bowl.
“This porridge is too hot!” she exclaimed. It burnt her tongue. Her stomach growled, she was still so hungry. No, you can’t a little voice in her head advised. Oh shut
So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.
ADDED DETAIL
- What can I do to ease pain – conflict because he feels guilty about something that he didn’t do. He wants to be able to help
- How –
Hi Lauren,
The conflict you have added here is nice. There is a good continuation of characterisation that remains consistent with the choices Goldilocks makes.
Something to focus on is making sure every sentence is complete. Read through your work out loud so that you can catch those moments where something is missing.
Be wary of your punctuation as well. In the bits you have added you venture into the telling rather than showing. Remember to use the 5 senses and punctuation to help make it an experience for your reader, rather than just information.
Thank you
Mr Johnson